Eeek! What have I done?

That pesky voice was creeping in the morning after. Telling me all that sexy fun I had the night before is going to land me in hot water.

That voice, aka the lying sack of shit that lives rent free in my head, has caused me to run away from sexy adventures in shame.

Thankfully, that voice has limited influence over me these days, but it had a good run for a few decades, so I came to know it intimately as I would go out and have sexy adventures only to find myself the next day recoiled into my bag of Doritos. And of course, I would then have to ghost another lover who dared to give me multiple orgasms. How dare he!

Didn’t he know that I would make myself suffer for days, weeks or even months for each one of those delicious orgasms?

Didn’t he know that I was not ready to claim my right as a sexual goddess?

Ah, the beauty of projection. I could shift the blame onto the other person and then feel angry at them while simultaneously loathing myself.

These days, I watch with empathy as some of my clients have amazing sessions in the dungeon and then disappear for months or years. Not quite ready to embrace their desires and kinks. Not quite ready to let it be okay, healthy and sexy.

I also see it play out in the sex clubs, places where the sexy fun does not get started until after dark and when they have had enough drinks to override the resistance to letting themselves explore their desires. Setting themselves up to be able to laugh it off later and “blame it on the alcohol”.

I know that for me, I grew up with the medical sex education that talked about reproduction and preventing pregnancy, but no one talked about pleasure. My upbringing in a religious cult also imprinted that sex was only for the man’s pleasure and carried a heavy obligation component to it.

I stumbled alone in the dark, no one to guide me and all of these negative messages about sex swirling around with my own carnal desires, causing my body to betray my upbringing.

Fate stepped in and about 6 years ago I met my now BFF who is a sexual wellness expert and fellow Professional Dominatrix and through constant conversation about sex and normalizing desire and wanting to explore my full range of sexual adventures I have been able to rewire my brain to feel blessed and proud of the fact that I am a sex goddess who adores sex with partners who have been screened and equally committed to mutual pleasure.

Now, if only I had a magic wand and could bring people to this same place of freedom and liberation not to mention the fantastic orgasms. 😉

For now, if you are at all like I was and find yourself holding back from enjoying sex in all its glorious, messy, bliss-inducing and sometimes falling off the bed kind of fun…my suggestion is two simple tools for daily practice until you have embraced the inner sex god/goddess.

Tool 1

Say out loud to yourself while looking in the mirror, “I give myself full permission to enjoy sex.”

I will bet money that at first, you will resist saying it out loud. That resistance is the internalized shame most of us carry, and it is precisely why it needs to be out loud: to chip away at the shame and create more freedom for you.

The mirror is for you to have a feeling of being supported by someone else. The subconscious brain is a wonderful thing when we learn to make it work for us. And again with this piece, you will likely want to avoid looking at yourself. Take a deep breath and do it despite that resistance. It will get easier with time, and that is why this is a daily habit.

Tool 2

Grab a journal and some coloured pens/markers/pencils. With your dominant hand write this prompt at the top of the page in one colour “What makes it unsafe for me to be fully sexually liberated (or use the word slut if you are ready to dig in deep)”

Switch hands and with a different colour, allow your subconscious to write the answer.

Back to your dominant hand and first colour, “What would I need to change or let go of to make that safe”(referring to what your subconscious just wrote).

Switch hands and colours and allow your subconscious to tell you what you need.

Ready for more?

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And if it is your kinky desires that are calling to be embraced . . .