Her fingers slid between my toes to gently hold one toe at a time as she painted them.

A momentary flashback to having a submissive lovingly and seductively massaging my feet and sliding his tongue between my toes.

The memory of the warmth of his tongue and the warmth of her hands caused my body to feel aroused with a throbbing in my pussy.

The shocks hit my clit, and I feel my body start to shut it down.

It’s unsafe to feel turned on; she is here providing a professional service! The thought surfaces instantly. But why is it not safe? Isn’t that interesting? My automatic response is to shut it off. Why do I shut down the pleasure sensations? I don’t have to start moaning and writhing as I sit in the manicure chair. I also don’t have to stop myself from feeling any pleasure.

I take a deep breath and allow myself to enjoy the warmth and the caress of her touch and keep my gentle sexual stirrings to myself as I notice the internal conflict active at the same time.

This! This is how it starts for me. I get this impulse to run away from pleasure because of some outdated “rule” I put in place to keep me safe. It is similar to the impulse to cover up as if that would keep predators at bay.

It’s all a lie; I am safe because the Universe and my intuitive nudges keep me out of harm’s way. Provided, of course, that I follow those nudges, which is what I have been getting better at in recent years.

The overpowering pull to find safety at all costs has kept me from finding pleasure. I see now the connection to the various times in my life when I have turned off my sexual desire. There was something that tripwired the reaction, pushing the alarm bells in my subconscious into overdrive. Tripwires that could not tell the difference between a harmless squirrel and a hungry lion. The tripwire triggered the same level of alarm.

It’s time to change the internal system, remove the indiscriminate tripwire, and replace it with some software to assess if any actual threat needs to be addressed.

It’s time for there to be no limits on feeling pleasure. Pleasure is something I feel for me and by me. It dosen’t require another person to participate in order for me to feel. It only asks that I allow that pleasure to move through my body.

Noticing the sensations and not resisting them. Sometimes it is a brush of pleasure touching me like a gentle breeze on a summer day, and sometimes it crashes over me like a wave in the ocean.

As I continue to do the editing to the Sex and Surrender book (that is a true life account of my year of surrender to the Universe that led me to reclaim my sex, my pleasure and step back into the role of Pro-Dominatrix) each chapter shows me just how much I have changed. The moments where I did things that were cringeworthy are things that will not be repeated. I took the time to learn and heal from these stories. Being guided to write about them and then revisit them over and over as I edit I get to heal and forgive myself more each round.

If you have been waiting patiently for the book, I thank you for giving me the space to keep working on this to be able to release it without shame, but instead, as an invitation to heal along with me as you read it.

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