There is a good chance you are being coerced into participating in a prevalent non-consensual kink that is happening out in there in the DM’s of every social media.

Almost daily, I see people who are playing into this non-consensual kink and are utterly unaware of how they are getting someone off.

For this to make sense, I want you to consider the stereotypical flasher. The man in the trench coat suddenly opens his trench coat to show you his penis.

You likely react the way most of us would respond—shocked, partly offended, maybe repulsed.

All of your reactions go to this flasher, and that is the kink. On the surface, it might look as though he is an exhibitionist. He is not. Exhibitionists are people who want to flaunt their bodies to admirers. They love the shared joy and praise they get from those who enjoy looking at or watching them.

Flashers are non-consensual, and what they are after is the negative responses.

I can still remember my encounter with a flasher. Two girlfriends and I were strolling down Younge St, downtown Toronto, when this man walking towards us said, “Look! My penis is hanging out.” This causes us all to look before having time to register that we didn’t want to look.

I remember feeling shaken up and even violated (granted, this was long before I did any deep healing for my sexual trauma), but looking back now, there was a violation. The non-consensual aspect of this act made it feel gross to all of us.

I feel the flashers have all moved to sliding into the inboxes of our social media accounts. Why risk freezing temperatures in Canada when you can stay warm in front of your computer?

It is not simply the dick pics that are an issue; it is about getting a reaction from the other person. They don’t have to go to that extreme to get it.

As someone with a FetLife account (think social for kinky people), this kink is being played out over and over.

At one time, I thought they just needed some education and so I would school them on how to behave. That didn’t work, of course. They don’t want to know how to reach what I thought they were after; they are already getting their desires played out in any response from me. The attention is what they seek, good or bad and bad is far easier to elicit from strangers.

Then, I moved to what I see most often in the profiles on FetLife and added a bit about “don’t be a creep when you send me a message, “ hoping that would stop things.

Which it didn’t, because if they were looking for a negative response, then my “don’t be a dick” message was like a laser pointer for a cat. I was sending the message that they would definately get the sweet hit of reaction that would come at them when they sent something inappropriate.

On LinkedIn, they love to hit people up for dates to get the sweet reaction fix. Being told they are on the wrong site to get what they are looking for only gives them the lube for jerking off. Crass, perhaps, but it is how you will want to see this so that you stop participating in this non-consensual kink.

The only recourse is to say nothing about their behaviour and block them from sending more messages. Tap into the sweet joy of a ruined orgasm as you give them nothing as you move on with the rest of your day.