I am not a prude. Hell, I am far from that these days, but an alarming trend is happening that causes me to fear for the psychological safety of a particular subset of those who are drawn to kink.

Sidenote: As with all things kinky, sometimes it is good fun, and sometimes it falls into creating harm. If you have found a way to do humiliation play, which is fun and does not hurt anyone, please continue to enjoy it!

However, I have been seeing variations of the same image throughout FetLife (social media for the kinky people) and OnlyFans, which give me pause for concern.

These images fall in line with what Hollywood would portray a Dominatrix as. This stern woman who steps on and humiliates men. She is callous and uncaring. She is after the money and to hell with safety.

As a professional Dominatrix who has been in and out of the world of BDSM since 2006, I can tell you for sure that Hollywood butchers the portrayal of the profession, but then what profession do they not butcher for their storylines?

I fear that the Hollywood rendition has seeped into the Kink communities and to some of the aspiring OnlyFans content creators.

As a result, these people (typically women) are posting photos of themselves in fetish wear, holding up one hand in front of them, holding their thumb and index finger with and inch or less between them and the caption reads “You are a worthless small dick man. You will never satisfy a woman with that tiny dick so you need to pay me and be put in chastity permanently.”

If this were not within the realm of Kink, we would see this as blatant abuse and horrific.

It is not that simple and may not be remotely accurate.

If you are familiar with Kink or the psychology that drives people to want to explore outside the “normal” bounds of sexuality, then you will know that what it looks like on the surface is not what it is actually about.

I have had my own journey, finding freedom from being bound in rope or being able to reenact my abuse to reclaim my body autonomy and healing.

Healing is possible when kink is done with someone who cares about your health and safety. Including your psychological safety.

As a professional Dominatrix, I find the psychology of kink to be the aspect that most intrigues me and most scares me.

If I don’t understand why my client wants to explore a particular kink and we dive in, I could be anchoring his/her trauma deeper into their psyche.

So along comes this humiliation play, and especially this rise of popularity of the ‘small penis humiliation’ that seems to be everywhere I turn. Is it safe? Psychologically speaking.

When I dig in with those who have requested this play, what I find is that often, they had early sexual experiences that linked humiliation to arousal.

Maybe they were caught masturbating, and just as they are about to cum, their overbearing mother walks in and reprimands them for how dirty and disgusting they are. This connects arousal to humiliation and being put down.

Later they may have a girlfriend who reacts with disgust the first time she sees his penis, and he is shocked that her reaction causes him to be even more aroused.

It is not long after that that he seeks out women to humiliate him, and what better avenue than the size of his penis.

The long-held marker of masculinity.

Along came the internet and our beloved OnlyFans platform, which created a place for women to choose an alternative income path.

Teachers in the US who are underpaid create a side hustle, women working minimum-wage jobs who need more cash, as well as those who love sex and showing off to others. You will find them all there.

My concern, like all things kink-related, is about the safety of all who are playing. Humiliation play is complex; it seems to me that women are joining OnlyFans-type platforms without any dominatrix training. However, they are savvy businesswomen, and they have found a group of men who respond to small penis humiliation.

They found a niche in the role of being a dominant woman providing a service that men desire.

From where I sit, I am not convinced that humiliation play can ever be psychologically healthy, but I could be wrong. When our arousal is wired to shame, then intentionally feeling that shame again will definitely feel like a huge turn-on. The thing is that it is likely also making it harder to feel arousal without shame.

One of the things I love about Kink is that it allows us to expand our possibilities for sexual pleasure and arousal, so from where I sit, participating in any activity that limits pleasure possibilities is damaging the psyche and sexual self.

For me, personally and professionally, I would never tell any penis owner that their genitals were anything less than beautiful, unique and perfect. The same holds for vagina owners (in case that was not obvious).

I will claim ownership to those genitals when they are under my care, but I know that with ownership comes responsibility. The responsibility is to care for the person in all ways. To use Kink for their betterment and my enjoyment (which is for their good).

The trend I have seen is the online dommes who do little or no intake and yet participate in humiliation or chastity (locking the penis up). Doing any kink activities without understanding your play partner can lead to harm. It is a good plan to know the person’s physical health AND their mental health before any kind of play – including remote chastity.

Some mental health conditions are made worse by long-term chastity. Being able to orgasm is connected to our serotonin production/regulation (the feel-good mood stabilizer), and for these people, being locked up with no release for a month could cause them to slip into depression.

It would be easy to dismiss this as “the men paid, they wanted it,” and then carry on, but perhaps we owe it a deeper reflection first.

This is a rather large topic and one that deserves so much more to be said; for now, I would encourage you to seek out a professional if you need shame to feel aroused. Kink, used therapeutically in the hands of a trained and responsible person, can open the door for healing as well as many new sexy possibilities.

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