I remember sitting on her couch, both of us sipping tea. I knew I wanted to reveal my secret side. She was my best friend. I hated hiding that part of me from her. I wanted to be able to share it with her. 

I was ready to tell her I had a sexual preference for kink that I had been researching for years, and recently, I had been to kink parties. 

I took a deep breath, and I told her. 

She was mortified. 

She recoiled from me, nearly spilt her tea as she pulled back in shock. 

I felt as though my soul had been crushed in that instant. I thought I needed her to be okay with this part of me. I desperately wanted her to understand why it was so exciting for me and why it called to me. 

To her credit, she rallied and asked questions to try to understand. The unfortunate thing was that each of her questions came with a quiet disdain undertone—a light repulsion of what I was telling her about. 

Here was someone who loved me, and yet her reaction could have sent me back into the closet had it not been for the fact that I had already made friends with people who had been embracing their kinky sides for some time. 

I had found people who held safe spaces to talk about the taboos of kink, the psychology of kink and why they all loved it. People with different desires and tastes could sit in a room and welcome each other in their differences. 

They asked questions with open hearts, hoping to gain insights into what each gained from their particular kink. 

We sipped wine and discussed kink much like I imagine scholars discussing philosophy: diving in, discecting challenging topics while always looking to expand the overall knowledge base. 

These incredible humans held space for me to share my deep desires and to laugh with me as I fumbled in my exploration. They kept an eye on me at parties to ensure I was always safe. 

I am eternally grateful for these amazing humans. They gifted me an opening to the kink world in a way that allowed me to explore it safely and sanely and to learn from those who have been through that and more. 

That was many years ago. I began my research of kink sexuality back in 1999, and it took me until 2006 to dive into the amazing world of kink. The parties, the group discussions, and the private sessions that created to deep healing. 

Much of my thanks go out to one woman who was a client back in my days as a massage therapist who risked sharing that she was involved in kink. 

Each time she came in for a session with me, we would dive into discussions of kink. Deep dives into the psychology and the draw that kink has for some people. 

She shared her books, stories and love with me and held my hand to enter that first party that forever changed my life. 

Since I have become far more public and vocal about my kinky ways, I have noticed people wanting to come and confess their desires to me. 

I am all for a non-judgemental sexual confessional booth. 

One that would absolve you of your shame and guilt about your desires. 

One that might help you to find outlets that are consensual and do not cause harm. 

My friend had her own sexual shame and history that prevented her from being non-judgemental at that time. She could only see kink as hurtful and abusive, and as such, she could not understand my need or that this could actually be healing for me. 

And this is the problem I see at large with anyone looking to explore sexual preferences that are outside the norm. There are so few people who don’t have their own trauma and filters that they see sex through, filters that create judgments and shame. 

Who can you tell?

Who is not going to try to use it against you?

Who will celebrate you and help you normalize it so the shame gets tossed out the window?

We all have sexual desires, and contrary to what you might have been taught, we will not unleash monsters if we are allowed to talk about them. 

We might actually create healthier, safer environments because it is safe to talk about taboo topics. 

It’s a shocking idea, but creating nonjudgemental spaces where the whole person is accepted can dynamically improve morale and foster mutual respect among humans. 

Choose your confessional person wisely. The point is to release the shame, not increase it. Pick someone who can be non-judgemental and celebrate your choices. (This is one of my superpowers if you need someone.)