I want to start off by saying that this is a very personal and vulnerable article.
Content Warning: PTSD, PTS, mental health, mental wellness, trauma, Borderline Personality Disorder, dyslexia, head injury, childhood sexual abuse. If this article triggers you please reach out for support and/or do your self care please.
This is the first time I am openly and publicly sharing my story, the ONLY reason I can is because I have healed! OMG here we go! I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Borderline Personality Disorder from extreme childhood sexual abuse by four different perpetrators, multiple times and I also endured Satanic Ritual Abuse experiencing and enduring unspeakable acts that they make horror movies about. In order for me to not die or become insane my amazing brilliant brain made me not remember and also fragment the trauma until I had the skills to handle it. I gained those skills to handle it by deeply healing my mind, body and soul using many different modalities both traditional and non-traditional so I could move out of being stuck in the Victim state into the Survivor state and now I am excited to report I have entered the Thriving state.
Woohoo! Fuck what an epic, painful, uncomfortable and beautiful adventure!
But wait we are not done yet. I was also born with dyslexia which affects my language skills and learning capabilities. So school was awful. I was lucky that I had a photographic memory which allowed me to be able to spell and learn to read. Until my 25th birthday when I was in a major car accident sustaining a head injury and losing my photographic memory superpower as well as some of my word recall and my cognitive capabilities decreased. Again I’m super grateful that my brain had extra brilliance to spare before the head injury because the loss left me with just above average IQ so that’s good!
Here are the two reasons why it was important for me to share a little bit of my life story with you.
Breaking the stigma of Mental Health: I was having a conversation with one of my clients, who was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which she was aware of, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) which she was devastated about. I told her that once she learns how to manage and access her BPD it will help her to be even more fabulous, dynamic and charismatic. That she was lucky because her brain worked differently which allows her to see the world from different perspectives that others can’t always see. She asked me how I knew that. I told her I also have BPD. She had no idea and was amazed about how awesome and successful I am. As I was inspiring my client to embrace who she is without shame, it made me realize that by not publicly and professionally sharing my BPD I might be carrying some shame or feelings of weakness. Fuck that shit, I don’t do hypocrisy! So I dug in deeply to clear that shame out. It is not mine to carry. Being different is awesome. It is not to be hidden or feared! That is society’s and other people’s shit not mine.
My PTSD helped me miss my flight to Mexico: At this moment I am supposed to be on the beach in Mexico relaxing and frolicking but instead I am home because I mixed up the day and date and I missed my flight. I want to share with you what happened and how this very painful and expensive lesson has inspired me to own my PTSD publicly. So for the last 2.5 months I have been working daily to do some deep rewiring of my brain around vomiting as my response to distress. This was created in childhood when one night one of my perpetrators came into my room with the intention of raping me. I had the stomach flu and I puked all over them and they left. In that moment my brain anchored into my cellular level and autonomic system that when I am in distress I Can now vomit. Fun right?! So helpful in a life threatening situation…lol NOOOO! So other people have fight, flight or freeze. In that moment mine became fight, flight and puke. This has shown up in various ways in my life – I would puke all the way to the airport or I used to puke if I stayed over anywhere that was new or not my own bed. I have been working on and healing this for a very long time. So for the last 2.5 months I have been ready to heal the core of this issue daily which means that my PTSD management and cognitive abilities became very taxed. So I had a major brain fart and I mixed up the days of my flight. I felt stupid and embarrassed because it is soooo not like me to fuck up on that level.
However what an amazing gift…
At least this time I didn’t miss my flight because of vomiting, woohoo!
- When I am doing major rewiring of my brain I need to put better support systems into place to be successful; not just emotional support which in the past I have learned is important but I have now learned that so is cognitive support like having a details spotter in my life for major shit…like flight details…lol. This doesn’t make me weak, this will support my life and my success.
- During a rewiring don’t take on major projects… like writing a book, launching a new course and all the other things that I tend to do…lol. If I need all of my brilliance for the project it can wait until the rewiring is done. At the moment my brilliance and brain are running on reserve power, so I have to save it for my clients.
- It is not a sign of weakness to let the people in your life know that your brain is not functioning at its full capacity because you are working on healing some shit at the moment.
- I have reclaimed the label and the emotional charge around, the medical diagnose of PSTD and by not seeing it as a disorder but my brain has been reordered.lol It now works differently (not worst or better) then those that have not experience extreme trauma. Which gives me a unique way of seeing and experiencing the world
I am now in the THRIVING stage of my life and healing which means I have the tools and resources to choose what I want to change, heal and work on in my life! That will best support the life I want to create.
- I no longer feel like I am in crisis.
- I no longer am one moment away from a panic attach.
- I am no longer afraid all the time.
- I am no longer worried that will be trigger by everything; like a smell, sight, sound,or color.
- I am no longer in the survival stage, where life or others choose how I will react to everything.
Thank FUCK!!! That stage was not fun!
If you need any support and help to move into the Thriving stage
My mental health and brain have a unique perspective because of my life experiences; the good, the bad and the ugly! Discovering how I have not just manage my PTSD and BPD but finding the gifts and the hidden skill sets in them has not just made my life amazing and epic, but I know it has enriched the world as well.
This is what I want to leave you with:
- Please be kind and loving to yourself no matter what you have been through in life or may be currently going through
- Don’t be judgemental or be quick to judge others because you have no idea what demons and challenges they might be going through in that moment
- Find the gifts and hidden talents that were developed out of the darkness
From the depth of my heart, Thank You for taking the time to be a safe space for me to share my story and my mental health with. You are awesome!
Until next time